FLYING THE FLAG

14 Jan 2016

sun shining through the clouds at the beach
You know what really grinds my gears? Other people thinking they know what is going through your mind regarding sexuality. I've sort of known in some shape or form that I find women attractive. Looking back, I knew from a young age that I wasn't straight, which actually makes me laugh when I realise at what age, because I didn't know that, until I was older. Although that doesn't mean I was flying the LGBTQA flag right away. To me, I just found women really pretty and wanted to both be them, and be with them. But it didn't correlate to me that I was attracted to both genders. 

Recently I was thinking of different songs I loved when I was younger, and realised that it was because of the woman in the music video, that I liked - and never really paid attention to the dudes. even though they were supposed to be just as much of a focal point in the video as the singer.  The video? Man! I Feel Like A Woman by Shania Twain. This song came out in 1997. I WAS 6 YEARS OLD. Yet I somehow knew, without actually realising that I was finding both the men and women...attractive. Although in this video I didn't give a hoot about the dudes. 

I've been "out" as bisexual since 2010/2011. I put it in quotations, purely because this was when I mainly came out to family. Online friends had known for ages, because they were the ones I was talking to, to help me figure out what the hell I was feeling! In September of 2014, I wrote This time, it's (a) personal (post), coming out as bisexual here on my blog. Basically a way to tell whoever didn't already know, and I had great responses from people, and the loveliest message from a friend which basically made me tear up as I read it (carrying equipment back to uni after a day of filming...what a great look that was!)

But in the past year or so, since I've been even more open with my attraction to women - what's the point in hiding it? But have felt that it's been written off by people all around me. They seem to expect I will end up with a man, and am interested in both genders 50/50. Which is absolute rubbish - this pisses me off like nobody's business. Everyday I am questioning in my own head if I can even identify as bisexual as my attraction to women far outweighs the attraction to men.  This has been going on for a good year or two.

And I've come to the realisation that yes, I'm gay. Holy cow. I actually said it without going around the sun to meet the moon like I did in my last coming out post. In the past I've had a few crushes on men, but the actual attraction? That's been towards women, 9 times out of 10.

But I want to clarify a few things. Even when people don't mean to, they imagine you fitting the stereotypes of whatever sexuality you identify. We're all guilty of it, even if it's not intentional. But me now identifying as gay? This doesn't mean I'll be going to the local gay clubs (mainly because I don't even know where they're located, and also I loathe clubs, and loud music. Gimmie a good old conversation any day). It wouldn't matter who I was attracted to - this lass is shite at flirting. I can't hold a normal conversation without stumbling on my words. Although I will be growing my flannel shirt collection (love a bit of flannel).

Also, it doesn't mean that just because I am attracted to women, that I'm going to be the heart eyes emoji everytime I see one. That look is reserved for food. This is the one thing that bugs me - you know when the conversation is about someone who happens to be gay or that those you are with believe someone is? And all the harsh remarks come out, basically insinuating that they must be attracted to everyone that identifies as the gender they are attracted to? Absolute rubbish. Yes, I can appreciate an attractive woman, just like I can appreciate an attractive man - Tom Hiddleston, I'm looking at you. 

Basically, drop all those stereotypes at the door. I am a shy and socially awkward lass, who happens to be attracted to human beings that also happen to be female. Simple as.

2016 is the year I want to get all the worry and stress of things out of my system before they become bigger problems - not that my sexuality is a problem, but it's definitely been playing on my mind for a good year or so! And I definitely feel that writing out your thoughts, can be therapeutic in some cases. 

2 comments

  1. This post is honestly so amazing, I just stumbled upon it as I was reading your 'Finding my feet' post and I honestly relate so much to this! I'm gay as well so I know exactly what you mean about stereotypes and everyone thinking that you're attracted to every-single-woman-now. It's irritating, but I think people's assumptions (especially family & friends) are slowly getting less stereotypical and becoming more open-minded. Great post, it really made me think and laugh!

    whiteshirtchic.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. I've read your blog for a while and I love your posts (even though sometimes I don't know what to comment) and I really feel this post. I've felt attracted to women since I was a teen but I also find men attractive. I identify as bisexual... but some days I quarrel with whether that's true plus they're the "shame" of never being with a girl. I dunno.

    insidesai.co.uk

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