19 September 2015

geometric quilt cover in the light

Emotions, stress, bad thoughts...everything is building up inside of you until a crack appears. A chink in your armour. And that's all it takes. It just gives way, and will not stop. Honestly, the amount I cried in one day was so exhausting. But a couple of days later, I actually slept for ten and a half hours which never happens. So obviously it was a long time coming. Once you get it out there and tell someone, that rushing of water from the metaphorical dam starts to slow down a little and flows a little more steadily like a river through the forest.

After telling a few people, I decided to get in touch with the Samaritans a few evenings ago. I know of people that have gone to them in the past, and were grateful they were there, and gave them a place to talk to someone, without being judged. I admit now, I sent a long essay of an email to them just as I was about to go to sleep. So no idea if it made any sense considering how emotional, tired and mentally exhausted I felt from the day. At first I was hoping that they'd reply but thinking that it would be a short, and not very helpful response I'd get (stupid I know - of course they would reply!) Thankfully I got a reply within 12 hours, and it got me thinking...not only about what they said to me, but about the questions my doctor asked me.

It's strange, realising just how the brain works. It's such a complex body part that we still know so little about. You take it for granted until something major happens. When you are asked something, and you are answering and the words start flowing, with thoughts and memories that you can't remember or haven't thought about for makes you realise that the brain is such a vast thing, that it locks away these little bits and pieces of information, and also works behind the scenes doing things without you even realising that you are doing them. I know for a fact when my doctor was asking me questions I was realising things that were right there, signs and yet happened to still be blind to them.

The points they have raised, and questions they've asked have helped me come to terms and deal with the way I am feeling currently, and although I still feel like I'm in some bubble? Talking to them has at least made me feel like I am not alone. Over the past couple of days, I have continued to exchange emails with the Samaritans, and am glad I decided to do so. I am far from being happier and better. That will come in time. The thing that makes me smile about the Samaritans is the fact that they say to keep emailing for as long as you find it helpful. Although I have no idea how long I will be under this dark cloud for, it's nice to know that they'll be there, should I feel the need to vent.

(Yes, I said I would hold off with the blogging for a while, but I feel that maybe writing what I am going through, as I go through it will be a therapy of sorts, and may help me. Plus, it's my blog, so will post whenever I darn well please).

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