16 September 2014

I was feeling really dubious to write today's post. Seriously, I wrote this out, had it scheduled and was petrified to post it, just because it's that nerve wracking a thing to, I hope that those of you who follow me don't feel that you suddenly see me in a different light (unless it's a light of awesomeness, or just you carry on seeing me in the way you see me...)

I wrote this post to help others, not for attention. Me and attention are polar opposites, I freak out at any kind of attention where I happen to be the center of it. I can feel my heart pounding as I write this, and I don't know if it's because it's good to get it out there to people other than close friends, and my family. I'm making it sound worse than it is, but it isn't. I'm just getting myself worked up and feel I should get this out there.

Right, deep breath Meg...

I think I was around 16/17 when I came to the conclusion that liking both genders wasn't 'just a phase'. You know, the typical crush that either your friends or family know and tease you about when you are a teen. What I realised as I went through secondary school, is that I was finding myself attracted to women just as much as men. (I don't mean friends of mine or anything, I mean like the teachers everyone fancied, and whoever on TV that everyone was loving at the time). But I didn't tell, or hint to anyone about it. I didn't for quite a few years, as I kept thinking it would be a phase that would soon pass. But it didn't.

I didn't think much of it to be honest, I thought it was something everyone felt at least sometime in their life, if even briefly. It was when I left school, that I started to realise that the feeling wasn't going away, I was still finding both genders attractive. I didn't worry about the way I was feeling, but I knew I wanted to be able to put a name to what this was, and I could. It wasn't until I was around 19 or 20, that I finally said to myself 'Yes, I am bisexual and it is time for me to tell someone other than myself.'

So I started off by telling a couple of friends, but friends that don't live near me, as I felt that if they wanted to disown me, they wouldn't have to see my face everyday! They were fine with it, and that made me happy that they didn't care who I liked, as long as I was still the same person, which obviously I was. After this, I realised I needed to tell my family. I was sick and tired of sitting there at home, wanting to say something, but feeling that all hell would break loose if I did. At the time, I was at college studying Photography - luckily the college was at least an hour away from home, so I thought that would be the perfect time to say it.

I know what you are thinking - 'WHAT? Coming out by text? That's lame.' Yes, I know, I was a scaredy cat about it. But I thought that if my dad, who I live with, wanted to kick me out, then I could just hop on the train to my mum and live with her. To be honest, I didn't think it through. I was bored in a lesson, and thought I'd do it, whilst I had built up the courage in a short space of time. I always seem to do that with things - I try not to talk myself into things over time, I just do it quickly, and go ahead with it before I have time to think it through. So I did it. I texted my dad, and I can't remember how I phrased it, but he was fine with it, and said we'd talk when I got back from college that day. Thankfully he was lovely about it, and said that it doesn't matter who I love, as long as they treat me well and vice versa. 

In time, the rest of my family found out, mainly when my dad decided to tell them I had something to say, so I just ended up coming out with it, and telling them. To be honest, I'm not too fussed if the rest of my family aren't happy with it - it doesn't change their lives in any shape or form.

Since then, I've not 'come out' to anyone. I just let people think whatever they think. I don't feel the need to go "HI EVERYONE, I'M MEG, AND I AM BISEXUAL, HOW YOU DOIN'?" Obviously if someone asked, then I would be honest, and say. I'm being completely honest now, in saying that I don't know who out of my friends that I haven't told, knows I'm bisexual. I've never said. I assume they'll just assume, or not know.

But also, I want to say that just because at this point in my life I identify as bisexual, doesn't mean I will do all my life. Like many people I know, I believe that sexuality is a fluid thing, and I think a lot more people need to realise this.

I just want people to know that may be in this situation of coming out to family and friends, that if you want to talk, vent, whatever, I am here. I'm not some kind of expert, but if you feel that talking to someone will help, I can be that person. I came out in a silly, awkward way (those are two things that run through my veins, stupidity and awkwardness) but the fear of how your family and close friends would take it is a big deal. And for those of you who are surprised? Please do not even start with the stereotypes, or I afraid we cannot be friends. Just accept that I like, and may fall in love with someone of either gender, and that's that. Just because I like both genders, doesn't mean I want to make out with you.

Phew, that feels ever so strange, to get this written down in a blog post, and most of you probably don't care. I can't quite believe that I'm posting it. But if it helps at least one person out there, I'm happy.
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